Horse Racing

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.


He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:




PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper
read




PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not
to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper
headline read:

BISHOP
SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN
HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN


The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day,
the paper read..




NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and
lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines
read:

NUN
ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The Bishop was buried the next day.

Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of
the
street. A tall lady answered the door.



Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living
room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings
onto the carpet.



" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful
vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.




"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.



The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"



"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady


**********


MORAL: Gather All resources be4 working on any project...!! !

Essay on COW

Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks,[ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use.

More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.[ horses dont have any such attachment].What can it do? Various ghee,butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler,watermans and mankind generally.His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza ] , in hand , and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard,
but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.

This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shoutsHis eyes and nose are like his other relatives.

This is the cow......

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd sitting on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks:"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"

IAS TOPPERS ANSWERS

Q . How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without =racking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a =all,how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all It is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and =hree oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How =an you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one
hand. (UPSC Rank 14 opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A.. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank =8)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid

Strength and Courage

It takes strength to be firm. It takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to stand guard. It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer. It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain. It takes courage to have a doubt.

It takes strength to fit in. It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain. It takes courage to feel your own pain..

It takes strength to hide feelings. It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse. It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone. It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love. It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive. It takes courage to live

Why Planning is important?

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty
with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had
gone out to a
wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and
they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no
condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this
was a Special Condition Test,

All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They
all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........ (2 MARKS)

Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c)Back Left
d) Back Right.....!! !





True story from IIT Bombay...Batch 1992